Lately I’ve been feeling very mixed up about where I want to be. I have the opportunity to stay in Glasgow for another semester. On the one hand, it would be so easy to ignore all logic and just say YES! and I could continue my exploring of new countries and independence and sense of self. I feel so free being able to travel anywhere I’d like. In the city, I can take taxis, buses, subways, anything I need to get wherever I want or need to go. I have a less busy schedule than my friends here, so I end up doing a lot of things on my own, which I absolutely love. Being restricted from having a driver’s license due to my seizure condition, I was never able to do this before. In New Jersey, I have to rely on my parents and friends. In California, I have to rely on my friends. It feels wonderful not to have to do that. I also love the art school so much and would love to continue education there.
However, I do have a certain desire to live a somewhat more permanent lifestyle. I feel that I will be living in California for some time, and upon my return I will be living in a house that could potentially be my home for a couple of years. I want to establish myself there, have a proper space to do my art, and be able to buy supplies without worrying what to do when moving time comes. The last two years in the dorms has been so temporary. When I go home to New Jersey, it is only temporary. Here in Glasgow, it is temporary. I may feel free and independent here, but if I go back to Orange six months later, I will just be six months older when I finally move into my home, get a job, get a driver’s license, really start working towards graduation, seriously exploring different forms of art, and living day to day with the people that I feel I have a permanent connection to.
I love New Jersey so much. The place itself has had so much influence on me as a person, and I am so incredibly lucky to have had such an amazing childhood, with an endlessly loving and supportive family and fantastic friends. I miss the beach and my town and the pizza and New York City, but I yearn to visit those things, not experience them forever. I really only deeply miss the people. But the way I miss California is so different. Glasgow is helping to shape me as a person. I needed to come here and to have this experience, and I know I will be a different person when I get back. I don’t know exactly who that person will be yet, but I really feel I need to be home in California to find out.
